Exposed

On Monday night, I shared my testimony of God’s goodness in the wake of my sexual abuse to a roomful of beautiful women. It felt great to profess the goodness of my Lord.

All week, I’ve been on fire for Him.

Until this morning.

This morning, I woke up with the weight of a medium sized dog (I was going to say elephant, but that’s overplayed and I’d probably be dead if it were true) on my chest.

We don’t have a dog, medium sized or otherwise.

Anxiety had escalated into panic without my realizing it even entered the picture.

What had I done?

I feel exposed!

All of those WOMEN KNOW THESE THINGS ABOUT ME!!!

They have seen me! All of me!

There’s nothing hidden from them. Nowhere to turn. It’s all there in that testimony.

What have I done?

My chest is tight.

My heart beats in my throat.

I wish I could take it all back. Put all of those feelings and thoughts and shared moments back into that box where they stayed hidden for almost 47 years!

I want to go back into my safe corner of obscurity.

But, NO I don’t really feel that way!

That’s what the enemy WANTS me to feel!

He wants me to cower in a corner.

He wants me to wrap myself back up in shame and guilt.

That’s what he got for 44 years of my life.

He’s not getting it ANYMORE!

Even when it’s hard and this weight is on my chest, I will praise His name.

He tells me not to be afraid and to know He is my God.

I will trust in Him.

I will trust that sharing these parts of my story is healing.
It may even help another woman who is still hidden in her own shame and guilt.

Lord, please help me to trust in You. Help me to stand up against this fear and anxiety that builds into panic at the realization others see me.  Others KNOW about me.

My shame and guilt have been placed at Your feet.

They are forgiven by You.

My identity is in YOU, Lord, not in how they view me.

 

Photo by Peter Forster on Unsplash

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2 Comments

  • Jenny March 10, 2018 at 8:54 pm Reply

    Amen!! The enemy tries to use fear and intimidation but our God is stronger and made of much sterner stuff. So proud and encouraged to hear you have your testimony AND that you are fighting that anxiety with truth!
    Love you!!

    • AlyndaLong March 10, 2018 at 9:34 pm Reply

      Thanks, Jenny! Yes, He is so much stronger! Thank you for your encouragement:) . Love you too!

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