Timehop threw me for a bit of a loop today.

This blurry photo of a positive pregnancy test popped up on my smart phone’s screen while I drank my morning coffee.

The memories of those weeks flooded my mind and I had to steady myself against the kitchen counter.

Four years have passed.

Four years.

At first, we weren’t sure what to think.

I was 42 at the time.

We had three daughters.

We were already grandparents!

Yet, excitement emanated from us.

The excitement of the unknown.

Planning for a new addition to our already crazy family.





It’s amazing how quickly love can develop for someone we’ve never met. Someone we didn’t even anticipate days or weeks before.

If we move the girls’ rooms around, we can put the nursery over here.

We should have kept the Pack n Play.

Mental lists of items we need to buy.

What should we name him? Her?

I wonder if we’ll have a son or another daughter.

Silent prayers to God in thanksgiving.

Silent prayers to God to protect this little life.

Weeks go by.




All the peeing!

A doctor’s appointment where everything looks great.

Weeks go by.

Another appointment.

The silence of the sonographer.

The waiting in the office for the OB.

The knowing.
The praying.

The loss.

Everyone else goes on about their lives, but how can they?

Why don’t they know that things are falling apart in my world?

Why don’t they know?

Questioning God’s goodness, His plan.

Folding into myself in grief.

Trying to still be a mom to the kids still in my care.

Memorizing scripture to keep God’s truth close to my heart.

He is close to the brokenhearted and He saves those crushed in spirit.

I was both.

I wish I would have known how to reach out to others in my grief.

I wish I would have known God’s plans are bigger than mine. Click To Tweet

I wish I would have known the pain would lessen, the grief would ease.

Someday, I will see the sweet little face.

Someday, I will hold my child.

Someday, it will be more than a blurry photo of a promise.




Photo by Cherry Laithang on Unsplash



  • Nguyệt Hằng Nguyễn April 4, 2018 at 3:48 pm Reply

    What a lovely poem!
    “I wish I would have known God’s plans are bigger than mine.”
    You always surprise me Long.

    • AlyndaLong April 4, 2018 at 3:52 pm Reply

      Thanks so much! Blessings to you!

  • Joleisa April 4, 2018 at 3:55 pm Reply

    Sorry for your loss. But as you say, God knows the bigger plan. Grieve if you must, the only person who knows exactly how you feel is you. I hope those near and dear to you are understanding and tactful. I also hope you get the wisdom to know how to deal with others too. God bless and have an amazing year ahead.

    • AlyndaLong April 4, 2018 at 4:00 pm Reply

      Thank you so much, Joleisa! Blessings to you too!

  • chelf April 4, 2018 at 10:38 pm Reply

    heartbreaking 🙁 I’m sending you all the good vibes in the world

    • AlyndaLong April 5, 2018 at 3:32 am Reply

      Thank you, Chelf! Blessings to you!

  • Preeti Chauhan April 5, 2018 at 6:29 am Reply

    Grief must give way to joy sooner or later though our grief is blinding at one time to everything else around us and grieving is important too . Very nicely penned !

    • AlyndaLong April 5, 2018 at 1:54 pm Reply

      Preeti, I agree with you. This is an old grief that almost seems to go away for periods of time then re-emerges on occasion and takes my breath away. I don’t know if grief ever leaves, but simply changes as we change.

  • Mane April 5, 2018 at 9:03 am Reply

    This makes me sad. But you are right we need to trust God’s plan and it’s always the best. I love reading your article. cheer up!

    • AlyndaLong April 5, 2018 at 1:55 pm Reply

      Mane, thank you so much! I still have joy! LOTS AND LOTS OF JOY! Blessings to you!

  • Nives April 5, 2018 at 12:42 pm Reply

    Really sad. I wish all the best that this world can give to you!

    • AlyndaLong April 5, 2018 at 1:56 pm Reply

      Thank you, Nives! It is sad to experience loss, but I have joy in knowing it isn’t permanent. Blessings to you!

  • Erika April 5, 2018 at 1:36 pm Reply

    I love your writing style. This story made me bark out laughing at “All the peeing!” and then made me cry and sympathize for your loss. Thank you for sharing this story. I’m sorry for the heartache I know you feel to this day. God Bless you and your family.

    • AlyndaLong April 5, 2018 at 1:58 pm Reply

      Thanks so much, Erika! Blessings to you!!

  • Bertha April 5, 2018 at 4:04 pm Reply

    It’s wonderful you are trying to ease others pain. Please don’t forget your blessings.
    I wish you bright days with your kids. All the Best

    • AlyndaLong April 5, 2018 at 4:32 pm Reply

      Thank you so much, Bertha! Blessings to you!

  • Ramona Spires April 5, 2018 at 4:28 pm Reply

    This such a touch poem for such a heartbreaking experience. My condolences go out to you and your family.

    • AlyndaLong April 5, 2018 at 4:33 pm Reply

      Thank you so much, Ramona! The pain has eased, but grief ebbs and flows with time. Blessings to you!

  • Jo April 5, 2018 at 4:35 pm Reply

    Gosh. Such a hard thing. So glad you have the strength to share this with us. Many of us know what this is like. 💖

    • AlyndaLong April 5, 2018 at 4:45 pm Reply

      Thank you, Jo! I’m so sorry you understand this on personal level. Blessings to you!

  • Justin April 5, 2018 at 5:14 pm Reply

    Wow, what an experience to share. It’s always hard to understand something like this, but there is the promise of someday for those who believe.

  • Eric Gamble April 5, 2018 at 5:19 pm Reply

    Life is truly an unusual experience. Times like this perhaps test our fortitude and cause us to question if there is a plan or reasons for our experiences. Perhaps there is, perhaps there isnt! I am sorry to hear that you had to ride this rollercoaster of emotions but it seems that you have a wonderful family that was there to help you overcome the grief you went through.

  • Crisly April 7, 2018 at 6:31 am Reply

    Life played us and will continue to do so. we need to stay strong, stronger than we have ever been. I have the same dream, that someday I can hold my Angel again.

    • AlyndaLong April 7, 2018 at 6:42 am Reply

      Hugs to you, Crisly!

  • Maren April 7, 2018 at 8:29 am Reply

    Thanks for sharing your story. Sometimes for reasons unknown to us we are tested and have to endure tragedies. Your writing comes from a place of strength and understanding. Blessings to you and your family.

    • AlyndaLong April 7, 2018 at 3:29 pm Reply

      Thanks so much, Maren! Blessings to you!

  • Kavita April 9, 2018 at 9:44 am Reply

    This is a very touching poem. Loved it!

    • AlyndaLong April 9, 2018 at 12:44 pm Reply

      Thank you, Kavita!

  • Naomi Destiny April 11, 2018 at 1:46 am Reply

    I have learnt to trust God in the good and in the bad because he knows what’s best for us. Glad your poem resonates around that! Keep trusting and believing!

    • AlyndaLong April 11, 2018 at 3:21 am Reply

      Thank you so much, Naomi!

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