Living in Darkness – Beginning of my Testimony

I know I’ve alluded to my experiences of sexual abuse, but haven’t shared it with you on my blog, such an incredibly public forum.  I’ve prayed and prayed about it and feel like I am supposed to share parts of it with you now. 

Please know there is redemption here.

This story written in my life has a purpose and is being used for God’s glory. Click To TweetI am so thankful for the spirit of authenticity and transparency He has gifted to me over the past two years. 

My sharing this story is in no way meant to harm any of my family who still lives. I didn’t tell my story for decades because I didn’t want to hurt others. So much hurt had already taken place. I didn’t want to add to the pile of pain.

But as I look around and see so many women longing for someone to understand them and THEIR ABUSE, I believe it more important to shed light into the darkness than to protect someone’s sensibilities. 

My goal is not to shock, but to share. To share my heart and the goodness the Lord has brought into my life.

This story has already been shared with many women.

Some also have their own stories of abuse to share.

Some have walked alongside me as sisters in Christ as I sought the healing I so desperately needed.

Some have loved me through seemingly unspeakable events in my life.

 I am indescribably grateful to all.

Here’s the beginning of my testimony of what the Lord has done in my life. It starts in darkness, but eventually works its way to the light.

 

I was the product of an affair started in a bar somewhere in one of the Carolinas.  My father took my mother back to Oklahoma to meet his family. His adopted mother took one look at my eight and half month pregnant mother and dragged them both to the Justice of the Peace in the summer of 1971. I was born a month later with my father’s name.

I don’t have any memories of my father as a little girl because my mother fled to her parents with me in tow when I was three to escape physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual abuse at his hands.  Although I longed for a fatherly connection, I had minimal contact with him as I grew older and made a conscious choice in my early thirties not to include him in my life.

When my mother brought me to Upstate New York, my grandmother, mortified I had lived three years without being baptized, immediately took me to a priest to rectify the situation. Almost upon arrival, my mother got drunk, took me for a drive on a winding back road and attempted suicide. We both lived, but my mother was ordered into a state mental hospital for two years. Feeling unwanted and unloved, I moved between her parents’ and her eldest brother’s homes until I finished Kindergarten.

The only mention of God in our family was on Easter, Christmas or when someone died. My grandmother was raised Roman Catholic, but my grandfather had disdain for God and His church. My first beliefs about God were that He was distant, uninterested, and otherwise too busy for the likes of me. Both of my grandparents were alcoholics and could be mean. I thought it was my fault because I ruined their plans for retirement by simply being. I learned from an early age to carefully watch the moods of adults and adjust my behavior based on those moods.

At the age of five, I was late getting  home from the bus after school, so my grandmother was angry. She got a belt or a branch from a tree, I really can’t remember.  She told me to take off all my clothes and get on the kitchen table for a big surprise. What five-year-old doesn’t like surprises? I desperately wanted to earn my grandmother’s affections, so I did as I was told. I was beaten on my back, buttocks, and genitals while she screamed at me to never scare her again.

I didn’t. I did everything I could to be perfect. Anxiety in the form of stomach aches and headaches began around that time and manifest to this day when stress creeps in.

My grandfather frequently verbally abused me. He’d joke about the mosquito bites I had for breasts, and how I’d better hope they would grow or I would never find a husband. On occasion, my mother came for visitations. “Tell your mother what I taught you. What are you going to be when you grow up, Alynda?” “I’m going to be a whore just like my mother,” I was taught to reply.  These tauntings caused me to believe I was inherently damaged. I thought I wasn’t good enough the way I was. His callous words, my grandmother’s anger and abuse, and my mother’s absence all set the stage for multiple incidents of sexual abuse throughout my life.

 

If sexual abuse is part of your story, KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You are loved. There IS HOPE! There IS HEALING! Feel free to reach out to me privately if you want someone with whom to speak. Feel free to message me on Facebook or send an email to alyndalong@gmail.com

 

 

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8 Comments

  • Jennifer April 13, 2018 at 12:16 pm Reply

    I’m sorry for what you endured, however, I can see the hand of God in your life. You are the definition of Overcomer. ❤ Continued prayers for your healing.

    • AlyndaLong April 13, 2018 at 1:16 pm Reply

      Jennifer, thank you so much! I’m not at a place where I’d say I am glad any of it happened, but I can say I’m thrilled the Lord is using to to help other people heal. Blessings!

  • Alice Mills April 14, 2018 at 4:03 am Reply

    Wow. This is quite a powerful story. Lots of healing accomplished to be able to tell this. May God make the rest of your journey as wonderful as the first part was awful.

    • AlyndaLong April 14, 2018 at 4:28 pm Reply

      Thank you so much, Alice! What a kind prayer for me! He has redeemed so much and I am so thankful! Blessings to you!

  • Susan Evans April 14, 2018 at 4:16 am Reply

    Going through horrific situations and somehow finding healing through Jesus for real is a beautiful testimony. It makes me sad how horrible people can be.

    • AlyndaLong April 14, 2018 at 4:29 pm Reply

      Susan, thank you so much for your comment. We as humans are capable of some pretty awful things, but we are all eligible for God’s forgiveness and I find great joy in that fact! Blessings to you!

  • Julie Plagens April 14, 2018 at 12:15 pm Reply

    Wow. Really tough childhood. It sounds like you’ve worked through a lot of it since you can talk about it now. You don’t get many people who talk about this kind of thing in detail. I know you are going to help lots of people.

    • AlyndaLong April 14, 2018 at 4:30 pm Reply

      Julie, thank you so much for your comment! The Lord has done a supernatural healing in my life! I pray that the Lord uses my story in a powerful way to bring healing and hope to others! Blessings to you!

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